Genetic Opportunity

(Originally posted to the Minneapolis Jobs Board May 14, 1997)



Team of highly-qualified grads at UM are looking for applicant. Ideally 20-35, stocky, rough build, pref. male but female will also work given proper conditions, want spontaneity. Running through on a first-come, first-served basis. WE PAY HANDSOMELY! Message us on our usenet board, UMgenealogyteam, or respond below. Are on the verge of something, need quick replies and to be easy on hand. Easy to work with. Get back as soon as you can, spaces filling up fast.


Hi there

Saw your offer, I have to say I'm tempted. I'm in a bit of a situation right now, My uncle is in the hospital and the whole family is up in arms over his bill. Needs some kind of expensive heart medication before he can go home, poor bastard's in his chair looking off into the distance. I think if I sign up for your experiment or whatever it is I'll end it and buy him his medication. I'm not exactly charitable most of the time, but he is my uncle and he's been nice to me so I figure hey, what the Heck. It's worth going out and putting myself on the line.

Name is Derek, 21 so I fit your criteria to a T. I wouldn't exactly say I'm the stockiest guy around but I did play some ultimate frisbee in high school, you'd be surprised what it can do for the arms. About 170 lbs, 5'9". I don't know if that matters for your purposes but there you go. As for the fitting in part, I doubt we'll have an issue with that, I work well in team settings. have participated in one study before, when I was 19, we tested skin cream and I think i did pretty good. Got free samples afterward. Of course, whether I go through with this or not will ultimately depend on how much money youre talking. Uncle's heart medication will cost $700, If possible would also like a little extra spending cash so I can buy myself something nice. We'll discuss more when we meet.

I also took a look at your usenet board, it's pretty sophisticated, you guys must get some really good funding. Posted this same thing on there, too, so you'll be sure to notice. I'm available Tuesday through Saturday, but will be sure to keep my cellular phone on me at all times so I don't miss your call. My number is (612) 474-9903. Looking forward to whatever you've got, I'm confident I can handle it. Thanks for the opportunity!


Hey there Derek!

Great news! Our team has taken a look at your background and you check out! We're also sorry to hear about your uncle's heart condition, these days it seems like everyone is dying of some sort of disease. We hope we can help you, $700 is easily within our range given the amount of endurance and dedication this study will require. Come over on Saturday, we're in the Fielder building on the second floor. If you have trouble finding it, our receptionist can help you out.

We think given the description you provided you'll work, but we need you to report for a quick interview and subsequent physical examination. Don't worry too much, we've done this with all the applicants, the process will be quick.

We can't wait to meet you!


Thanks for everything, the receptionist was nice and your staff was very friendly. Also the upfront payment. Like you said, the process was easy. Can't believe it's over, myself. Anyway, how you instructed, I'm going to report the effects every day I take the substance. Not sure if this board will work, but if you have any problem with me jotting down the effects here then just say so and I can record them on my notes or something. I'm going through the checklist you gave me and I'm looking it over. All this paperwork is pretty long, but I think I should be able to get it. If not, I have a lawyer friend who'll help me sort through most of it.

Your techniques seemed, well, remarkably advanced. I only took some chem and biology in 11th Grade, but I've been reading up on this cloning stuff lately and it really interests me. They cloned that sheep, there are pictures of her and everything, pretty soon you could get people cloned. Not to say that's appealing or anything, but I would be lying if I said the prospect of having a smaller me around to do chores or whatever isn't kind of neat. It's nice that you people are doing research into that, it could put Minneapolis on the map if you have any sort of breakthrough. Hope your other applicants are doing well, too. I've decided to take the substance after a good meal, like you mentioned the results could be corrupted without nutrients. Tonight I'm going to make myself a steak with some asparagus, then some ice cream. After that I'll go upstairs, take a dose, and go to sleep. Need lots of energy tomorrow. Hopefully none of this will do anything.

Your facility had some neat equipment, I especially liked that processor you had. Looks top-of-the-line. I guess you need that when your field is genetics, to process all those base pairs and helixes or whatever they're called. Amazing that way down we're just lines of code. If I look down to the cellular level, all those cytoplasms and alleles working in harmony. It's like a little factory down there.

The tour you gave me after the procedure was over has convinced me that maybe I should think about attending MU. I've been putting it off, trying to start a restaurant with some starting capital my dad gave me, but maybe college is for me, after all. The campus was really nice, good sun and lots of areas for studying. I'll definitely look into tuition, if any of you know some scholarships that could also help me out. refer me to your eligibility board or whatever. restauranting takes some innovation, and you've always got to stay one step ahead of the competition, so maybe some of your classes could help me out there. Especially the food safety one, my cousin works in meatpacking and he says that when the EHOs come knocking they'll usually find something to complain about.

Anyway, that's all I have to say tonight, for the time being anyway. Will report what happens tomorrow. And again, seriously thank you for the upfront payment. My uncle is going to feel a lot better. Gotta go downstairs now, steak smells done.


Okay, I took the substance like you said, one dose with water. After that I reclined on my futon for about an hour, watched some TV. The Pretender was on, It was a season finale and I didn't want to miss it. I know you said to go to sleep immediately, but one hour of TV couldn't hurt. Anyway, I had a dream where I was in a glass building looking at the sky. Then I woke up around 7:00 A.M. I'm writing this around 6:00 P.M. Dinner tonight is going to be delivery pizza with a 2-liter of Sprite, then another dose. Might also make myself a side salad. I've been using your sheet to determine how many calories are in everything, and I think it'll add up.

I think I should mention something that happened today. Sundays I usually go out and walk around Downtown for a while, not really to buy anything because usually I'm pressed for cash, but there are some nice displays. I got to this one display, I think they had a stereo set in the window, and I was looking at it for about two minutes when I noticed my reflection in the glass. It was kind of like my eyes were focused on the setup and then they snapped back and I saw myself. Absent minded.

Something about how I looked didn't look right. I can't place it, it wasn't anything physical but it was subtle. If I'm not being specific enough, I apologize. Maybe it had something to do with the curvature of the glass. It was also hot out and the sun was bearing down on me, maybe I was suffering from heat stroke, although I doubt it because I didn't feel all that hot. My reflection was wrong, somehow. For a second I wondered if it was actually me I was looking at. Then everything became clearer in my field of vision, I looked myself over and I was fine, the street was how it had been. the stereo set was right there and my reflection was OK. But there was something really disturbing about seeing myself like that. Again, I can't say for sure how it was wrong, can't put my finger on it. Maybe something about the eyes.

I walked around for another hour or so, looked in more windows and nothing was wrong there, either. Then I got back home and watched TV for about 2 hours. By this point it was getting to be evening so I ran myself a bath and tried to relax. Nothing else has happened so far. Could be completely unrelated to the substance, might be an illusion like I said. Not sure how that could happen, though. Given how you described this, I doubt it would affect my mental state.

It's about 15 minutes until the pizza guy said he would be here, but he usually runs at least 10 minutes late. It's getting dark outside and I'm getting tired. A couple minutes ago I called my girl, she has a lot of things to do over at her place so I haven't had a chance to go over and see her much, seems like she's always busy and only has a few minutes to talk to me on the phone. Wouldn't want to disturb her, she's great. Still have about 5 pages of this paperwork to go, might put it off because it looks complex. I'm not sure, really. If I do, I'll be sure to have it for you by the deadline. I figure making these entries takes more effort, but I enjoy it. How is work at the lab going? You guys are performing miracles over there, keep it up. There are a lot of genetic diseases that are even worse than pathogenic ones, and there aren't any cures. if you have one, you just have to live with it for the rest of your life, because there aren't any external factors. The disease is programmed into every cell in your body, each and every square inch of you is targeted. I know you guys already know all this but it's a disturbing thought. Anyway, good night.


Went to see my uncle at the hospital today, got everything taken care of as far as that goes. He's looking a lot better, his insurance covers all the treatment but that medication can be a bitch. The doctors were joking at the desk about betting who in the ward will die first. Made me sick listening to that kind of thing, doctors shouldn't be talking like that, especially where patients or relatives can hear.

I had accidentally brought the substance along, it was sticking out of my pocket. "What's this?" he asks, pulling at it. "Just something I'm taking," I said. "It's supposed to benefit me somehow, something to do with something called Chromatin." Then he leans back in his bed, presses the button on the side and it makes this noise, and he asks, "Is it illegal?" I told him no, that it was officially sanctioned and that it was safe. He sighed, put his hands behind his head, and that was about the end of that conversation. In 3 days he gets discharged, goes back to my aunt's house. He's my dad's brother, he lives with my aunt, my dad's sister, and her husband. I sometimes wonder what that must be like, to live with your sibling when you're that old. It's either insufferable or tolerable, I guess.

After that I had lunch at the 8th Street Grill, I've also been keeping track of lunch and breakfast. Today for lunch I had the burger and a house salad. Today's breakfast was cereal and a yogurt. Yesterday I think lunch was a leftover carton of chinese food in the fridge, and breakfast was orange juice and some eggs. Day before that it was a casserole I made for lunch. Didn't have any breakfast that day. Don't worry, though. It all adds up to the correct amounts, I've been over the math and I think it should be fine.

I've been watching a lot of TV, mostly, to pass the time. One thing I'm starting to notice is that I'll lie down, turn the TV on, and it'll be a show I'm interested in watching, but before I know it, the show will be over. It's not as if I forget what happened, it's more like time speeds up and I don't notice. For some reason this only happens when I'm watching TV. The end credits will be on and I'll feel like I just watched the theme song, but somehow I remember everything that happened during the episode. If I was just dozing off, I wouldn't know what happened. This has never happened to me before, so I think it's related somehow. Feels like a time warp. The first few times it happened I was worried, but now I've kind of gotten used to it. I kind of like it. If I don't like the show, I can tune out and the next thing I know, it's over. Kind of cool.

Anyway, tonight I'm trying a new recipe, a lasagna I found in an old cookbook. There are some pretty weird recipes in old cookbooks, you'd be surprised. I'll take my dose. After that I'll probably try out this new TV thing for a while for an hour or two, then hit the sack. I'm tired.


I woke up with a lot of messages on my answering machine. A lot of them were from her, as I said she's very busy so her voice was upset and she has a hostile tone. She asked about me, how I was doing, if I was going anywhere, and why she hadn't heard from me in so long. As if it's my fault that she always has something to do, it's no wonder we never spend any time together. I don't think she's cheating on me or anything like that, but given how little time she's willing to spend with ME I might break it off with her. Anyway, that wasn't the best thing to wake up to. After that I walked downstairs and cleaned up a little. The shelves were dusty for some reason, and some of the food in the fridge had gone bad. Probably a power outage. I threw it away. That lasagna last night was good, I added some dill.

For breakfast I had some dry corn flakes, the milk had gone bad. Also had an orange. After that I put on my coat and went for a walk. It was nice out, I walked for around 2 hours, just admiring the archetecture. After this I walked around the City Center for a while. I remember going to it when I was younger, it's really changed. Looks a lot more modern, times are a-changing as they say. I got a turkey sandwich at the food court and a mango smoothie and sat down on a bench, watching the people go by. cashier looked at me weird when I requested to know how many calories they were. Which is a perfectly reasonable question, with the diet craze going on these days everybody has a right to know how much they're eating. Anyway, I just stared out for a while, looking at all the shops.

I noticed a shop I hadn't seen before, it was a coffee shop. I had been to the center about a week ago and it hadn't been there, there was a boutique instead. The speed with which they renovate these places is pretty amazing, I imagine it takes a huge team to fix everything up and turn it all inside out. I threw my sandwich away and by the time I got to the doors it was already closing time. When I went in, it was only about 3:00 P.M. but I stepped out and the security guard waved goodbye and it was night. I guess I must have lost track of time, or maybe it was later than i thought when I got to the City center, but either way that isn't very good for the purposes of this record, which I assume you'll want to keep for your studies, and you need accurate information. By the time I got back to the house it was about midnight, I checked the clock. As I write this it's about 12:15, I'm going to order a pizza and then pass out. So far nothing has happened except these occasional moments of me completely spazzing out. I still remember everything, though, in some way. I can't explain it any more than that. Hope that satisfies you enough.


My uncle's funeral was today.

When he left the hospital, he seemed to be recovering, now he's buried. I attended the funeral, my parents called me and they told me that I better show up or there would be consequences. I had no idea what they were talking about. Then I check the computer's internal clock, it's September. Monitors don't lie. September 1997, I went to sleep last night and it was May 1997. I feel like Hell, stomach's a mess from malnutrition and I looked in the mirror and Jesus I looked old. If you think smoking can turn you inside out, talk about prolonged periods of unconsciousness.

I've finally realized how it is. You know how when you go to sleep, you start dreaming and the dream is incredibly vivid, right down to the last detail. Then you wake up and you can't remember any of it. Only you should be able to remember it, it was right there in your brain a second ago, it was such a real experience that it should register in your memory, only it doesn't. That's how these prolonged blackouts are. I remember them vaguely, remember eating as well as I could, shuffling around the house, going outside maybe once a week to keep my legs active. But the whole time I wasn't myself, I was somebody else. Acting on commands, basic motor functions to keep my systems running. Might have taken one bath. Now those months are one giant blur and I've snapped back to complete awareness. Feeling resembles being shot with a gun.

And of course she's met another guy, I called her and she told me to fuck off, that we were over, that this other guy could treat her better and that he was great in the sack, and to be frank I won't miss her that much. Still sucks, though, to know that there was nothing I could do about it. She says she came over to visit me once, that my eyes were glazed over and I was sitting on the couch mumbling something to myself. The food in the kitchen was, of course, rotten, according to her. Furniture was dusty, she left after maybe five minutes. Probably thinks I'm a heroin addict or something now. Maybe I ate some of it while I was out, in this state there's no way I could tell the difference between something that's rotten and something that's not. Could account for my malnutrition.

I don't know if this study of yours is still going on but I'm not going to take any more doses. Hell, it's probably over. The semester has probably started already, too late for me to enroll and if I did everyone would be terrified. I'm going straight. I've missed enough of my life already, to see my uncle getting lowered into the cold Earth with his embalmed shriveled hands over his chest, knowing that for the last four months he was living a pleasant life and that I could have gone over to visit him one last time if it wasn't for this shit is enough to convince me to give it up. And you better not ask for the money back, either. It's all gone. I guess I've been paying the rent while I was away.


The surprises just keep on coming, don't they? The years start coming and they don't stop coming, according to a new song by a band called Smash Mouth, it woke me up this morning on my alarm clock radio, which somehow still works. Thing is filthy. It's fucking 1999, ALMOST THE NEW MILLENNIUM, I've been like this almost 2 years at this point, didn't take a dose last night, or should I say 1997. How much of this time was spent comatose sitting around I don't know. I better get out the disinfectant wipes from the closet, wipe all the furniture down before night falls. Because when I sleep the world completes entire rotations, time gets a little distored, doesn't it? Ha ha

Called my parents up, they've practically disowned me by now, talk about me like I was dead, their son on the other side of town who never drops by to visit, always stays at home and never comes out, except very rarely. Neighborhood committees have signed petitions to kick me out, that my house and the stench coming from all this decay is lowering the value of their property. Greedy pricks.

I don't know what to say anymore, this shit has ruined my system so that I go into the deep whether I take it or not, it's rewritten me from the ground up like a fucking typewriter and I can't stop it. It's 4:00 A.M. and I'm going to stay up as long as I can because while I'm here I have time to do things, fix things, go around and try to repair the damage. Been sealing cracks in the walls all night, repainting, washing. Throwing away the old food. Ordered a pizza, it tasted delicious but it's a different guy now and they've changed their recipe. I ate it like a pig, then I took a bath. Don't know how often I've done that, my teeth are starting to hurt. Also ordered month's worth of groceries to be delivered sometime tomorrow. Can't place my confidence in my subconscious, because it can't take care of me as well as my normal mind, can't do everything I do, no matter what the New Age gurus say.

If anybody reads this, or Hell even if someone from the Fielder team reads this, just know that I'm trying, that something must have gone wrong, the calories or the exercise or something. And if you know what to do, please help me. I need to find something. I'm staring at the screen and trying to stay awake, reciting things in my head because once I slip I can't get out of it, it'll be over me again, and at that point who knows what the next time will be? Three years, five, I wake up and everybody has tubes in their the


Year's 2003 and we have BUSH JR. for presdent

Out of everyone had to be him, makes sense in sort of way. Went to campus today, spent day walking and got there and it was hot and there're people around, so many people haven;t seen this many people in long time, it's strange talking and seeing and they avoided me of course because who wouldnt? Talking around and knowing what was up and then get to the building, no building there it was GONE, packed up and left huh? Asked it, asked guide, said it was out, had been moved, was gone and I figure you're all graduated now winning Nobel prizes under shiny spotlights well you can't ignore me can you? Can you ignore this face, sunken eyes, stomach ready to collapse

Just nothing but a bare field, a bare lot now, some people talking on it, maybe never existed whose to say I'm crazy and it was all a dream, babblings of an insane person, don't mind me my head is about to explode, house is such a mess God Damn

Its kind of poetic now I'm loose from time, can go forward and the surprises never stop, a passenger on voyage to the end of time, Last Redoubt looms large overhead black monolith in that endless night. Walk toward the Black Hills there're seven lights, noone knows what they are but I'll see them soon enough and Minnea will be a crater of fire, things engulfed as I keep going on and no stopping now, because why would there? Need to shit but going to hook up my record player, pump disco through the windows, blast myself, neighbors will complain so what? Police will comethrow me into cell and won't care aboutit I'll sit and look out through bars eyes glazed over embalmer's glue. Next stop infinity


Writing from public library, somehow cant remember shit except password for this forum. Goddamn forum, still up, gonna update long as its up

It all makes so much sense now